Jonjon’s blog

It's been a while.

3 days ago
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Here's the latest.

I had a good night last night.

After I got off work, I went to Pumpjacks and waited for Gery. After my first drink, I went to the washroom, and a guy stared at my dick and told me I had a nice one. I couldn't go, so I left the bathroom, and he came out a few minutes later and said to me, "Next time, don't be pee-shy". I think he might've been trying to hook up with me.

Then, when I was with Gery last night waiting for the bus, still a little drunk, a guy got on the C23, looked back, and smiled and waved at me. I posted a missed connection on craigslist; maybe he'll see it and shoot me a line. I told him where I work, too, but I did it subtly so that nobody else would've been able to know where I work.

After I got home, I got high, which got Ariel a little bit angry at me. I talked with her today about it, though, and explained that I do it because of stress; she seems to be alright with it now. I only get really blasted about once a week ANYway, so I don't think she has a whole lot to complain about.

Hmm, let's see... I really hope I get an e-mail from that guy. I can't seem to keep my mind off of him. He had absolutely beautiful eyes and a really sweet, shy smile.

I think that's about it. I didn't really do a whole hell of a lot today.

Oh! I'm not going to be working a whole lot in the near future. My boss only has me on one day next week, which really sucks. It's gonna be hard to afford food and smokes on $70 or so a paycheque... I'll manage, though. I managed when I was only making $600/mo with my disability.

I will survive, I'll make it through.

I may not be happy, but I'll live until I can be.

I hate you.

Jul 7, 2009
1 comment

I hate you for abandoning me when I was eleven because you're such a shitty parent that you couldn't handle taking care of me anymore.

I hate you for abandoning me yet again when I was thirteen because you're such a shitty parent that you couldn't figure out how to deal with your own issues.

I hate you for telling me I was only going through a phase when I was fifteen and frightened to death about my sexuality.

I hate you for manipulating me throughout my entire life.

I hate you for being so horribly dysfunctional.

I hate you for not sorting out your own issues before you had children.

I hate you for blaming everything on me.

I hate you for hurting me.

I hate you for scaring me.

I hate you for trying to break me down.

I hate you for never letting me make any choices in my life.

I hate you for telling me that my life was going to be so much harder for being gay when I was struggling so much with the fact that I was gay, and the other fact that I could never change it.

I hate you for never even trying to understand my mental disability.

I hate you for not even trying to be a parent.

I hate you for the fact that you try to cover up your mistakes with prescription drugs.

I hate you for the fact that a foster parent could be a better parent than you.

I hate you for trying to make me choose between my sister and you.

I hate you for hitting me.

I hate you for denying me so many chances to be happy because you wanted me to be safe.

I hate you for telling me that it's a stupid idea for me to move to Vancouver.

I hate you for trying to deny me a chance to get out of this fucking shit town under the guise of concern.

I hate you for trying to deny me the chance to spread my wings and be happy because you're unwilling and unable to let go.

I hate you for being so weak.

I hate you. I just hate you. Why did you have to do all these things, and so many more that I've forgotten or repressed? Why would you do this to someone you profess to love?

Am I in love?

Jun 26, 2009
2 comments

I miss kissing his lips...

I miss seeing his smile...

I miss the sound of his laughter...

I miss the expression in his eyes when we pull away from each other...

I miss his hands tracing subtle patterns on my back...

I miss our conversations...

I miss drinking the tea he prepares...

I miss holding him and him holding me.

...Or is it lust?

"And all I have to do is hold you... There's a racing within my heart. And I am barely touching you..."

He's gone. He's fucking GONE.

May 30, 2009
1 comment

My sister's manthing moved out on Thursday.

He banged around for about four solid hours. At one point, I heard pots and pans flying down the stairs. I was kind of shocked, but then I kind of realised that that's just the way he is. I don't know WHAT the fuck she sees in him.

Anyway.

Today was a most excellent day. I woke up at about 1100 (which is a nice time to wake up IMO), then at about 1300 I went to the art exhibit that I've been looking forward to for about a month now. The art was mindblowing, just as I expected; I even got to meet the artist again! I went to high school with her, and it was great to see her again. :D

I went stuff buying! I bought a Castro hat and a pair of aviators. I look like a total freak in them, which is entirely what I intended; I'm almost unrecognisable in them, so if I wear baggy clothes with them to hide most of my figure, then it'll be harder for my sister's boyfriend's thugs to find me... That was sort of the rationale behind buying the hat and sunnies. :D

Then I spent pretty much all of the rest of the day at my parent's house. It was great to catch up with them, and see the puppy again. :)

UuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.

May 10, 2009
4 comments

I CAN'T WAIT A YEAR. I'M GOING TO FUCKING COMBUST.

>=[

That is all.

Just because it's not love doesn't mean it's nothing.

May 4, 2009
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Angelo and I are working our way through shit, which makes me really happy. I'm trying my hardest to let go of those crappy feelings for him; I'm trying SO hard to leave them behind, but they refuse to go away. I don't think this is one of those things that you can get over in a day, but I don't want to feel like this for the next year.

The title of this blog was inspired by a song by Depeche Mode; "World Full Of Nothing". The actual line goes, "Though it's not love, it means something"... It's really quite a beautiful song. It's a song of two people (a straight couple, unfortunately) having their first time with each other... And it goes, "In a world full of nothing, though it's not love it means something", which resonates with me right now. I feel it deeply.

Anyway.

I bought a subscription to Last.fm a couple of days ago! It's amazing. I'm discovering all these awesome bands that I've never heard of before and rediscovering old favourites that I haven't heard in SO long.

I bought a subscription for a friend... It was only $3, so I thought why not. I told her to pay it forward, so hopefully someone else will enjoy it. :D

And now, on the events of tonight...

My sister's boyfriend just left my home about an hour ago.

I went over to bring my sister some toilet paper about half an hour before, and he decided that he wanted to talk to me. He first said that if I was going to be getting beat up, he would've "kicked my door in" and done it himself, then about twenty minutes later he told me that he had someone lined up to shitkick me. So which is it? I don't think I can trust anything he says; he also told me that the things I'm so afraid of he does "for fun"; hallucinations and violent outbursts... I'm really glad he's moving.

He seems to want to continue to be friends or whatever. He better not be thinking he'll be coming over at all hours of the night just because I'm always awake all night. I'll murder him. LMAO

I really hope the next person who moves in is quiet. I don't know what I'll do if they're a constant partier. >.<

Anyway, that's about it for tonight.

A pact has been made.

Apr 28, 2009
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If either one of us hasn't found someone within a year, we'll have our first time with each other.

But I must explain...

We talked about our feelings and expectations tonight. My feelings were that I wanted his love; my feelings now are that I want his friendship. I'm no longer allowing myself to be hurt by feelings of romance for him, because I'm doing my best to make sure they no longer exist.

Now, about the pact...

I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, a year is a long time to wait, and though I'm certain we will still be friends at that point, what will happen if making love fucks things up between us? If I lost his friendship I'm not fully sure what I would do.

It's too far-off to discern whether or not it happens to be a good idea, so I'm not concerning myself over it at this particular moment... But when the time draws nearer, I will have to worry about the possible implications.

And yet on the other, I want nothing more than to be with him. I quickly fell in love with his mind, but my initial interest was lustful in nature, and that same lust has persisted to this day.

As well, I don't want to be a virgin until I'm 30 or 35 simply because I can't find the right man to settle down with; he doesn't want to wait until he's 45 for his first time either. The reason could be that simple, but it's complicated by my feelings, both past and current.

I hope for both our sakes we can find someone before that year is up... I doubt I will, but I very much hope he does. He deserves so much more than what he has. Whoever discovers him will be the luckiest man alive... It's a damn shame it can't be me.

I spent so much time throwing rocks at your window, that I never even knocked on the front door...

Apr 27, 2009
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So Angelo's coming out to more and more people.

This makes me incredibly happy but it hurts me as well. It seems like every person he comes out to is another step closer to me losing him. But I have to lose him. It'll hurt like hell, but it has to happen. He can't be being weighed down by me while he's trying to live a happy and complete life; the kind of life that he deserves after having waited so long.

I love him and I want what's best for him; but what's best for him isn't me. I think I'm willing to let him go... God, I hope so.

I know what we have is something very special, but it's not the kind of special that I want so badly. We have a bond that almost nothing could get between, and I love that bond more than life itself. If it means that I don't lose him for good, then I'm going to have to let my feelings for him go.

Love fucking sucks. If I had known this was going to hurt so much, then there's no way I would have ever gotten involved in it.

Anyway. I have news.

Either I'm going to be moving out of my apartment or my sister's boyfriend is going to be; I want to move, but my parents are very adamant that I'm not going to be moving. It's frustrating; I really don't want to move, but I don't want to risk pissing off a man who can be extremely unstable. He's told me that he suffers from psychosis; he apparently experiences both aural and visual hallucinations. He's not on anything, though, and that really worries me; he also drinks heavily.

I'm worried for my older sister, but she's just going to have to learn that he's not good for her, and she's going to have to do it herself. She defended him yesterday when I confronted her about him threatening to throw me down a flight of stairs; she just sat there and did nothing while he was threatening my physical well-being. I would have confronted him about what he said, but I was honestly still way too scared of him. He can be a very intimidating guy.

So, in essence, he's probably going to be moving out. I think my parents are going to raise a big enough stink over the fact that I'm moving out because of him that he's going to be forced out. I can't say that I particularly like the fact that my parents are fighting this battle for me, but honestly, it's far too stressful for me to tackle this by myself. I can't be happy with him there and I can't be happy with him being angry at me; he knows quite a lot of the underworld in this town, so if I cross him then I could end up hurt.

Anyway, there's my update about the last four or five days. I could go into further detail in a future entry, but I just don't have enough time right now. I'm supposed to be meeting my dad at the medical office to pick up my mom right now, so the three of us can talk about the whole situation with my sister's boyfriend.

Toodle-oo!

I'm moving house.

Apr 26, 2009
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My sister's boyfriend just threatened my life.

I'd report him to the police if I didn't know that he'd call his buddies on me to beat the tar out of me.

I'm going to start apartment-hunting as soon as I wake up.

I've wanted to move for quite a while now, and this is just IT. I've had enough of his shit. He threatened to throw me down the stairs. I don't care that he's drunk and he probably didn't mean it, I don't care that my sister didn't do anything and thinks that's perfectly okay; I'm tired of her sticking up for him. Just because he doesn't hit her doesn't mean he's not damaging her in other ways. I wish she'd wake up and see that but she's not going to and nothing I can do or say will convince her of that. The easiest way to stop stressing over all of this is to just move into another place and completely forget about them both.

When she ends up in the hospital, all I'll say to her is "I fucking told you so."

Wish me luck and perseverance... I think I'm going to need it.

Well...

Apr 24, 2009
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I ended up going to the hospital last night.

I didn't trust myself to not go out and hurt someone, so I called the police to come pick me up. I just wanted to go somewhere safe. That place ended up being the hospital.

It started off with me hallucinating at work (as I mentioned in my previous entry). Then I get a text message from my furball... He told me he went to a gay bar. I was excited for him... Then he sent me another one saying that there was a guy "lusting for his body"... Okay, I was starting to get a little jealous...

Then, he tells me that he made out with him.

I went ballistic. I sent him a message back telling him that I couldn't talk anymore because I was stressing to begin with, and I tried to go to sleep. I jumped in the shower and started to bawl my eyes out; it hurt my heart like nothing I'd ever felt before. It's so fucking contradictory; I'm so happy for him that he's finally getting out and living life like he should, but I'm exceedingly jealous and hurt for the exact same reason. I want what's best for him but I want him, too. I can't have both but I want them so bad.

This is hurting too much. I can't talk about it anymore.

I'm not blaming him, though. He deserves to have a life without being pinned down by my feelings. I'm happy for him; I just have to adjust to this new situation.

So I call the police, and they come and pick me up; as they're walking up the stairs, I'm rushing to cover up my drug paraphernalia, which in retrospect is a little funny. The male cop that came to the door was pretty damn fine; I remember thinking that while I was sitting on the examination table about an hour after I was picked up and thinking "Oh, I guess I'm going to be fine."

So they come up and talk with me, and one of my nosy neighbours comes out to see what's going on; she saw me leaving with the police officers. I'm sure I'm going to be the talk of the town now. Anyway, we get outside and it's supposedly cold out (one of the officers that picked me up said that), but I was freaking out and twitching so badly that I couldn't even feel the cold. I must have looked like I was on speed or something.

So the ambulance comes and picks me up, and the paramedic asks me a few questions while we're driving up, which I answer freely and gladly, except for one; I partially lie about the inciting incident that caused me to start freaking out. So we get to the emergency room, and I lay down on the examination table and a nurse comes up and asks me most of the same questions that the paramedic asked me before.

Then I sit there for about 45 minutes while the doctor gets up to the ER. She's the only one I tell the whole truth to about what happened to set me off; I couldn't tell the police officer, for obvious reasons, and I didn't feel I could trust the paramedic (even though she was a very nice person).

So the doctor tells the nurse to get me two 1mg tabs of the drug I usually take, and then the nurse leads me up to what I called the "crazy person room"; it's a room with an infra-red security camera and a mattress, and nothing else. I take about an hour to fall asleep and have some really weird dreams, then I wake up to the door clacking open very loudly and the doctor asking me how I'm feeling.

Then I go down to the mental health office and talk with the psychiatrist there for about half an hour, then he rushes me out the door because (I'm assuming) he had another appointment. I wasn't even done talking and he just pushed me out the door. =(

Anyway, there's my very eventful and, at times, terrifying night. Thanks for reading.